Broken To Be Healed Completely

Dread.

Do you ever notice how easy it is to feel dread? I did some great things and I received two phone calls and I just knew they would be negative. They weren't. But the dread was there just the same.

Sometimes, it seems like you are running as fast as you can into a solid brick wall. You can't seem to slow down, you can't seem to change direction, and you know that soon you will collide with the solid surface and fall backwards in great pain. Yet, you run.

I guess that is how it feels for me sometimes here. I feel like it doesn't matter. If I do great, someone will say something negative and that is what the focus will be on, not the positive things that were done. I felt that way last year in the place where I was chained but now I am free from that in my Christian walk.

As a follower of Christ, I am called to more. But there is much more to it than that. Much more is expected of me, I am held to a much higher standard. I heard Lisa Bevere say that the media and the world don't look at Pastors in the media harder because they want them to fail but they want them to succeed. So, when they fail in the realm of finances or sexual morality, the world talks about it and, though there are some that are looking for Christians to fail, others are disappointed because they want to believe that we really and truly do have the answer to this hopeless, compromising world.

Of late, I have found that I really dislike being held to a higher standard. And yet, it is such an honor to know that I could be the one to draw someone to Christ after God has called them, tugged on their heart, and they're just waiting for an opportunity to see that a life with God is truly different than all this world offers.

This brings to mind the fact that a great deal of people have said that the meanest people they've ever met have been in church. That, to me, is a sad testamony to our calling to love one another. I wonder about this because I know that God is an amazing God of love and that we cannot even fathom the depths of His love for us. Why, then, are we so unloving? Why, then, are we so disconnected from the pain and hurt of others? Why are we so self-consumed and self-absorbed?

I am loving the new place where God has called me to. Why? Because it is here that I am learning to love. I am learning about compassion and empowerment. I am learning how to forgive myself and others, to stop being so judgemental and cruel, disconnected and uncompassionate. It makes me a better person with every passing moment.

I have had to walk through fire to get here. I have had to lose a lot of people that meant a great deal to me. I have had to cry a lot of tears and learn a lot about my heart, soul, life, mind, strength, and pride. I have had to be changed...and it was extremely painful. I had to be pruned, shaped, and molded and then, when the timing was right, I had to choose. Now, looking back, knowing that God was ever present, I feel less disjointed and happier...much happier.

I recall the day when God showed me that I had been broken and that the only reason I didn't fall completely apart was because He held me together. That was earlier this year, in April or May or so, and much more recently, October to be exact, Jesus showed me that I had to be broken in such a way in order for Him to set the bones correctly and heal me properly.

If a bone is set wrong and heals wrong, most times they will break the bone again and reset it properly so that the person can use it as it is meant to be used. Wondering about this, think of how painful that must be. And knowing that sometimes you have to be broken again to be healed completely changes how one views trials and tribulations.

I thank You, beloved Jesus, for all that You've done for me. I thank You for Your love, so apparent, and for Your mercy, even in breaking me. I praise Your Name and am so glad that I am Yours and You are mine, now and forever! Shalom ve Ahava!