2003-2-3: I Can't Even Begin To Cry

Well, it's a Monday. If all else were to be weighed against that simple fact then everything else would feel this way. What way? Horrible. I don't even have the energy to complain.

Okay, maybe I do. I'm writing this because I feel so awful today that I just want to let out a bloodcurdling scream and run about flailing my arms and crying. But I can't even begin to cry.

Maybe it has something to do with the weather. Normally I love cloudy weather and we haven't had any clouds for so long. Why would I feel this way on one of my favorite 'weather days'? Because it's Monday.

I realized this weekend that there are a few issues I never really addressed in my daily life. My fear of marriage, (or should I say men?), my disgust in making love, (or should I say sex?), my lack of friends, my lack of success, my lack of trust, my lack of compassion. I want to be alone.

To face these things means to admit that there just may be something truly wrong with me. To face the fact that I am such a strange person, that I am so lost, so confused yet so sure of where I am and where I'm going. It is almost as if I can't discover who I am. Who am I?

I fear the day is soon coming when I will have to face these things in my life. I don't want to. I am content to remain single for the rest of my life, to remain a virgin, to remain alone and to live out the remainder of my life blissfully ignorant of married life.

Am I messed up to feel this way? I'm twenty-three, (or will be tomorrow), and I'm still a virgin. I am not ashamed of this, never will be ashamed of the fact that I have never had sex, never made out with a man, never been fondled or any other such nonsense as that. Now don't get offended...to me it's nonsense.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. It's just that I think of marriage and suddenly I realize I don't want sex. I just don't want it. I don't want a man touching me like that, I don't want a wedding night, I don't want a marriage. I just don't. I labor through this with random bursts of thought. Would I be happier alone?

I believe that life has some sort of trial I should face in order for me to realize the importance of love and marriage, (do the two really go together?). I am not entirely sure. My grandparents are still married but my parents are divorced. My aunts have all divorced at least once. What in the world do I have to look forward to? Divorce, abuse and restraining orders?

Now I know not all marriages end in divorce and not all men hit but I've grown up with these things. They are part of my mentality, no matter how I try to escape them. I guess I don't really try to escape them. I leave them there. They are an unhappy part of me.

If this were truly known about me, if people I knew read this, would they ever look at me the same? I have to say no. It is almost sad. I am all alone.

I can't cry. It's not right that I should weep for myself. People would say I was just feeling self pity. I'm not. I don't feel sorry for myself. I just feel like I am alone. All alone.

But I don't know who I am.

And I truly want to be loved, to be found attractive, to have a man look at me with longing and love in his gaze...but I don't want sex.

And therein lies the problem of Jul Lee.