2002-11-22: Healthy Pride, Unhealthy Pride

I remember when I made my first (and only) sock monkey. I felt so happy and, dare I say it, proud of myself. I showed everyone I could (and still do). Though I am somewhat hesitant to toot my own horn, I waver on the goal line of doing my own 'boogie dance', Bandi (that's what I named her) is the brag object I possess.

If I ever become published I will brag. I would be surprised if someone who was published, especially for the first time, didn't brag. It is a big accomplishment to have your words in print, in book form and in your hands.

So I wonder if pride is healthy. We all know that some, okay most pride is unhealthy. Where does one draw the line.

As I boast my talent of making a sock monkey on my own with the assistance of a kit I feel dirty. Only a little dirty mind you, as though my pride will run off me, ooze out of my pores like thick oil, turning people away in bitter disgust.

What brought this up, you may ask. Last night my pride was not fanned...was not even touched. I am a writer, not a great writer but a writer all the same. That is my talent. Limited but mine. Acting is my other talent. Writing and acting, that's Jul Lee.

We had a meeting to plan the adult Christmas Play. They said they asked me along just because I had a video they could watch to get ideas from. I am not whining...okay I am...but I am an actress, though not professionally, and a writer, though also not professionally, I expected a little fanfare. Nothing.

When I left I heard God's distinct voice telling me that if my pride were to be flared I would become prideful...uh huh...I know that. But God knows me better than I know me. I would become the one person I don't ever want to become: The Prideful Bragger.

So healthy pride is feeling accomplishment when you do something great. Great for you or your family, not great in worldly terms. Unhealthy pride is wanting people to boast on you and tell you how wonderful you are so you can sit there and smile that self content smile while saying, "I know, I know. I truly am wonderful aren't I? Go on, go on...continue talking about me."

So, I am here with healthy pride and staring over into the bright darkness of unhealthy pride. Just another thing to discover about me...my pride or lack thereof.